“Answer me quickly, O Lord, my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul… for I hide myself in you.” Psalm 143
There’s a difference I think between positive attitude and life-changing faith. There have been some who have commended me recently for having such an attitude. While I can appreciate such a compliment, I can just as easily demonstrate the lack of necessary willpower to sustain such optimism.
Today was my eleventh day of chemotherapy. Two days ago my white blood counts crashed and my body stopped replenishing fast growth cells from head to toe. Now completely susceptible to infections of every kind, I’m on 3 to 5 drip bags of IV non-stop, battling high fevers for 15 hours at a time, and wincing at the convulsing pains in my mouth and throat making it virtually impossible to swallow.
At one point at the onset of this expected phase in therapy, I was alone in my room, rocking on my bed, crying simply and desperately for deliverance. Asking only that my marrow would start making white blood cells again.
A positive attitude ends in itself. And while so incredibly necessary in so many aspects of living, when it comes to a battle like this, positive attitude is not enough. It will only carry me as far as I can go. And having lived life with me for these 29 years, I know that distance – I’ve traveled it many times – and it’s not very far. The infinite value of life-changing faith in a Heart-Changing God is that when and where we are weak, then and there He is Strong.
“You hem me in, behind and before. You have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.” Psalm 139
We ask questions when rough times hit. “Why?” I find hope not because I believe I have the answer (though I’ve a hunch sometimes I do), but because I have an Answer Giver. And it is in His Hands that I am held.
Please be praying that my White Blood Count would skyrocket unexplainably.
Boy would that be fun.
Thank you for your concern.
Postscript: Chest X-Rays yesterday showed the tumor IS shrinking.